Posts Tagged ‘Healing’


I recently sold my house and moved to the small community of Sooke, BC, which is situated on the West side of Vancouver Island, about 25 km from Victoria. Population about 12,500.

My eight month old Schnauzer/Scottie X puppy, Jordi, had somehow adopted a fetish for my underwear, bras and sox. (Must be the terrier in him, I reasoned). He would bring them outside and happily chew them to shreds. This annoying habit was starting to get a bit expensive, so I needed to find a way to break him of it.

Keeping all the bedroom doors limited his access and made the most sense.

At 10p.m. I was getting ready for bed. I had only been in the new house for three days, so boxes were still unpacked. Jordi literally leaped into a pile of laundry and in a split-second managed to pull a pair of underwear from the pile. He stood there, underwear hanging from his mouth, as if to say, “Now what are you going to do?”

Standing in the doorway to block his exit, I said “NO’ “NO”.  Obviously this was the wrong thing to say, because now it was a game, and he was going to make a mad dash for the door before I could stop him.

He made a run-for-it, I lost my balance, fell, and broke my hip.

To be continued

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For most of my life, I was under the false notion that if I HAD a certain thing (object of my desire) I would DO a certain thing and then BE that thing which I desired.

This type of thinking stemmed from years of trying to fill an emotional void from not having a mother and living with an abusive rage-aholic father. Having nice things made me FEEL whole and complete, even though at the time I didn’t realize I was covering my emotions so I could cope with my losses.

I was obviously unconscious about my own worth and relied on just about anyone to fill me in on my purpose in this life, (as if anyone knew). My main question, which always sounded more like an interrogation was always ‘why”, as in “why did you do this or why did you do that? If I could just get the answer to my life-long internal dilemma, then I would know “who I am” and what my purpose in life was “supposed to BE”.

I spent a lot of money on expensive material objects in an effort BE something/somebody. I thought if I had an expensive camera, that I would DO what professional photographers do (whatever that is) and then…I would BE a professional photographer, for example. If I had an expensive briefcase I would DO what business people DO…and then I would BE seen as a business person. I was under the notion that I had to HAVE a certain thing and DO a certain thing to BE that thing. How mistaken I was.

Overtime, I have come to the realization that I had it all backwards. Finally, I have discovered the real ME, without all the baggage attached, and without false ‘notions.’ It’s a different life! And now I know the correct order of things is BE, DO, HAVE. I know myself to BE a loving and caring individual, I DO what people with those attributes DO (express my emotions freely) my relationships have become an expression of love and I HAVE an amazing life!

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When I was six, I saw the red sign above my bed again. It said N.P.O. in big

white letters and “nothing by mouth” in small letters underneath. I felt my

heart skip a few beats before it formed a lump in my throat. I contemplated

feelings of sadness and betrayal while pondering my inevitable fate.

My first thought was that surely someone made a mistake in the night and

hung the sign over the wrong bed. But I knew better.

When I asked a nurse for a drink of water I saw her glance at the sign.

She answered with a friendly smile and said “NO, but your daddy left you

some pickled pigs feet … your favourite, and you can have them

when you come back”. Come back? I didn’t say anything, I knew better.

My lips were intensely parched and dry. A drink of cold water would have

been nice …anything to quench my thirst and provide relief for my

cracked lips. So I continued picking the dead skin off my lips until they bled.

It seemed to pass the time anyway, while everyone else ate breakfast.

Shortly after, a male nurse came into the room. I saw him show a piece of

paper to the duty nurse and she pointed to me. He came over to my bed,

released the brakes and said we were going for a ride.

I knew exactly what he meant. A RIDE TO HELL.

And he pushed the bed out the door and down the hall to the elevator.

Once inside he pushed “B”. My suspicions were proving correct. B was

for basement. It was where all the experiments were performed.

I watched the numbers change as we descended into HELL. 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … B.

All was quiet.

A few seconds later the heavy gray doors rattled open.

He pushed the bed down a long dimly lit corridor which smelled like

floor wax mixed with Pine Sol.

There was a room at the end of the hall with the doors open wide, and we

were heading right for it. In my mind I was trying to block out the inevitable

torture, but there was nothing I could do about it now. So I just thought about

the pickled pig’s feet.

There were six or seven people in the room waiting for us to arrive; all wearing

faded green clothes. Their faces were covered with familiar green cloth tied

at the back. Only their eyes were exposed, revealing to me what I already


In the room there was a large overhead light that could be raised or lowered

from the ceiling, and several silver containers on the counter with surgical

instruments in them. Looking through the glass doors over the counter

I could see jars of cotton balls, popsicle sticks, gauze pads and band-aids.

I was transferred to a table under the bright light. No one spoke, but while

lying there it was easy to put names to all the faceless faces.

My eyes seemed intent on piercing the souls of my would-be abusers.

Around the table I easily recognized Doctors Dale, Abrahms, Israels, Singh,

Thompson, and Dr. Avery.

Yellow liquid was swabbed onto my chest,

followed by a green sheet with a hole in the middle, which was placed over me.

At the appropriate moment each doctor took hold of an arm or leg and held

me down so tight that I couldn’t move one inch, even if I wanted to.

I felt like a lamb for the slaughter.

 Dr. Dale approached the table. When she turned toward me a feeling of fear

and betrayal gripped me. She leaned toward me brandishing a long silver needle.

My heart started pounding staccato. She arched over my chest and proceeded

to pierce the skin with the razor sharp point.With continuous pressure she

drilled that needle right into my bones, penetrating the depths of

 my soul, into the marrow. With no anesthetic to dull the horrific pain,

I screamed and begged her to please stop. She was

relentless and completely oblivious to my plea for help. It was useless

to think anyone would save me, let alone care.

The whizzing of the drill caused blood and minute bits of ground

bone particles to fly around my head, and mixed with my salty tears

it formed a paste that caked onto my face and hair. When it was all over,

someone took me back to my room to sleep.

When I woke up, the sign was gone.

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