Archive for the ‘Expressing Emotions’ Category

Lesson 18

I choose the feelings I experience, and I decide upon the goal I would achieve. And everything that seems to happen to me I ask for, and receive as I have asked.

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This is an 18 day Mini Course in healing relationships by letting go of the fear which interferes with peace of mind. The purpose of this Mini Course is to help us recognize that we do have a choice as to whether we want to experience peace or conflict.

This Mini Course provides specific principles and guidelines, which are given personal meaning through the application of practical daily lessons.

The author, Gerald G. Jampolsky M.D., is the founder and the psychiatric consultant of the Center for Attitudinal Healing, Tiburon, California.

Lesson 1

I Am Never Upset For the Reason I Think

I am tempted to believe that I am upset because of what other people do, or because of circumstances and events beyond my control. I may experience  being upset as some form of anger, jealousy, resentment or depression. Actually, all of these feelings represent some form of fear, and I have a choice-to experience love or to be fearful. As I choose to experience love by extending love to others, my fears are dispelled. I recognize that I need no longer be upset for any reason.

Throughout the day, whenever you are tempted to be fearful, remind yourself that you can experience love instead, and say: My peace comes only from within me. It cannot come from anywhere else.

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I’ve heard it said that some people live ninety years and others live one year ninety times.  The difference is that those living their years to the fullest are living their dreams.  We are all capable of living our dream lives when we open ourselves up to possibilities and opportunities.

We have been trained to look at conditions to determine what the opportunities and possibilities are for our lives, though these conditions can be limiting when viewed with just the five senses.  When we live outside the standard senses and use intuition, imagination, and perception we are able to more clearly see our heart’s desire and the dreams that will bring us the happiness we yearn.  We all have an inner voice but it is not one of reason or logic…it is the voice of guidance.  This voice may not make sense to anyone else but it is there to help us recognize and nurture the thoughts that build dreams of our very own.

The underling principle of dream building is this: The power that is within each of us is greater than anything that is in our surroundings.  The power that is within each of us is greater than any circumstance of our life.  The power that is within each of us is greater than our history.  There are all sorts of things that we can hold as ideas that will keep us from our dreams or, instead, we can use our thoughts in service of dreams instead of thwarting them.

Changing our thoughts to best build our dreams is a two-step process.  First, we must release condition-based thinking.  If we focus our thoughts on what we don’t want to happen, we bring about those circumstances.  For example, if you want to lose weight and concentrate on not eating pizza, then you crave pizza and ultimately give in to it.

The second part of the process is to focus on what you do want to create, regardless of our conditions.  Using the weight loss example, if you think about the delicious salad you are going to have for dinner then you look forward to that salad and do not think about the pizza that would thwart your efforts.  This is true even if you work in a pizza parlor!

Each of us is the author of our own thoughts.  The past or present does not need to dictate the future.  Allow yourself to explore the possibilities of your dreams and fill your mind with what you would like to be and do and create and give.  Use your inner power to write the future in a way that supports your dreams.

To Your Greatness!

P.S. Want support in discovering and building your dreams?

In between my coaching and speaking schedule, I carve out a few strategy sessions each month.  If you would like a complimentary strategy session (Value = $250), simply contact me here dbhawkey@gmail.com.



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For most of my life, I was under the false notion that if I HAD a certain thing (object of my desire) I would DO a certain thing and then BE that thing which I desired.

This type of thinking stemmed from years of trying to fill an emotional void from not having a mother and living with an abusive rage-aholic father. Having nice things made me FEEL whole and complete, even though at the time I didn’t realize I was covering my emotions so I could cope with my losses.

I was obviously unconscious about my own worth and relied on just about anyone to fill me in on my purpose in this life, (as if anyone knew). My main question, which always sounded more like an interrogation was always ‘why”, as in “why did you do this or why did you do that? If I could just get the answer to my life-long internal dilemma, then I would know “who I am” and what my purpose in life was “supposed to BE”.

I spent a lot of money on expensive material objects in an effort BE something/somebody. I thought if I had an expensive camera, that I would DO what professional photographers do (whatever that is) and then…I would BE a professional photographer, for example. If I had an expensive briefcase I would DO what business people DO…and then I would BE seen as a business person. I was under the notion that I had to HAVE a certain thing and DO a certain thing to BE that thing. How mistaken I was.

Overtime, I have come to the realization that I had it all backwards. Finally, I have discovered the real ME, without all the baggage attached, and without false ‘notions.’ It’s a different life! And now I know the correct order of things is BE, DO, HAVE. I know myself to BE a loving and caring individual, I DO what people with those attributes DO (express my emotions freely) my relationships have become an expression of love and I HAVE an amazing life!

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When I was six, I saw the red sign above my bed again. It said N.P.O. in big

white letters and “nothing by mouth” in small letters underneath. I felt my

heart skip a few beats before it formed a lump in my throat. I contemplated

feelings of sadness and betrayal while pondering my inevitable fate.

My first thought was that surely someone made a mistake in the night and

hung the sign over the wrong bed. But I knew better.

When I asked a nurse for a drink of water I saw her glance at the sign.

She answered with a friendly smile and said “NO, but your daddy left you

some pickled pigs feet … your favourite, and you can have them

when you come back”. Come back? I didn’t say anything, I knew better.

My lips were intensely parched and dry. A drink of cold water would have

been nice …anything to quench my thirst and provide relief for my

cracked lips. So I continued picking the dead skin off my lips until they bled.

It seemed to pass the time anyway, while everyone else ate breakfast.

Shortly after, a male nurse came into the room. I saw him show a piece of

paper to the duty nurse and she pointed to me. He came over to my bed,

released the brakes and said we were going for a ride.

I knew exactly what he meant. A RIDE TO HELL.

And he pushed the bed out the door and down the hall to the elevator.

Once inside he pushed “B”. My suspicions were proving correct. B was

for basement. It was where all the experiments were performed.

I watched the numbers change as we descended into HELL. 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … B.

All was quiet.

A few seconds later the heavy gray doors rattled open.

He pushed the bed down a long dimly lit corridor which smelled like

floor wax mixed with Pine Sol.

There was a room at the end of the hall with the doors open wide, and we

were heading right for it. In my mind I was trying to block out the inevitable

torture, but there was nothing I could do about it now. So I just thought about

the pickled pig’s feet.

There were six or seven people in the room waiting for us to arrive; all wearing

faded green clothes. Their faces were covered with familiar green cloth tied

at the back. Only their eyes were exposed, revealing to me what I already


In the room there was a large overhead light that could be raised or lowered

from the ceiling, and several silver containers on the counter with surgical

instruments in them. Looking through the glass doors over the counter

I could see jars of cotton balls, popsicle sticks, gauze pads and band-aids.

I was transferred to a table under the bright light. No one spoke, but while

lying there it was easy to put names to all the faceless faces.

My eyes seemed intent on piercing the souls of my would-be abusers.

Around the table I easily recognized Doctors Dale, Abrahms, Israels, Singh,

Thompson, and Dr. Avery.

Yellow liquid was swabbed onto my chest,

followed by a green sheet with a hole in the middle, which was placed over me.

At the appropriate moment each doctor took hold of an arm or leg and held

me down so tight that I couldn’t move one inch, even if I wanted to.

I felt like a lamb for the slaughter.

 Dr. Dale approached the table. When she turned toward me a feeling of fear

and betrayal gripped me. She leaned toward me brandishing a long silver needle.

My heart started pounding staccato. She arched over my chest and proceeded

to pierce the skin with the razor sharp point.With continuous pressure she

drilled that needle right into my bones, penetrating the depths of

 my soul, into the marrow. With no anesthetic to dull the horrific pain,

I screamed and begged her to please stop. She was

relentless and completely oblivious to my plea for help. It was useless

to think anyone would save me, let alone care.

The whizzing of the drill caused blood and minute bits of ground

bone particles to fly around my head, and mixed with my salty tears

it formed a paste that caked onto my face and hair. When it was all over,

someone took me back to my room to sleep.

When I woke up, the sign was gone.

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Yes, from time to time when I’m giving myself the permission to love myself, it may appear to you that you are the one who has showered me with love feelings. The reality is that the love feelings I feel when I am with you come out of me.” This quote was from Terry Cole–Whittaker and her book What You Think of Me is None of My Business.

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In September 1959, I was 4 ½. I lay in a hospital bed, comatose, wrapped in ice old sheets in an effort to reduce the 106 degree fever. I was later told that the nurses were standing around the bed…crying, I had contracted acute blast cell leukemia, which the doctors thought was probably from playing in a field that had recently been sprayed with pesticide. With zero chance of survival and only hours to live, a minister was called in to perform last rites.

For 37 days I was in and out of a coma, had over 100 blood transfusions and several bone marrow transplants. With no anesthetic to dull the horrific pain, long needles were drilled into my sternum, piercing my soul, into the marrow.

When I returned as an outpatient I remember asking for a shiny red apple from a wicker basket on the desk at the nursing station. “We never saw a kid with such a strong will to live” the nurse replied. I wasn’t sure what those words meant but those words, instantly and forever burned into my subconscious memory. They became my silent mantra throughout my life.

Shortly after, my mom had a baby which my dad said wasn’t his and he gave her an ultimatum; either give the baby up for adoption or leave.

She chose the latter.

This left me and my younger brother and sister with our dad, who was ill-equipped to handle the situation. Unaware how the magnitude of this decision would negatively impact the rest of his life, he started drinking and became an abusive and neglectful rage-aholic… and I became his scapegoat.

‘You’re just a stupid fucking bitch and you’re never going to amount to anything”, he’d say with reckless abandon. Those words cut deep into my core and killed me emotionally. I grew to despise him and believed I was worthless and unlovable.

It was such a stark contrast to someone believing I was a kid with a strong will to live. My life continued to spiral downward to the depths of despair. I went inward to find solace from the hell…that was my life. I’m not sure which was worse; the physical pain or the emotional pain…just that the emotional pain lasted a lot longer.

My childhood conditioning continued into adulthood. I trusted no one. This lack of trust toward others made me feel that what was about to be experienced was either potentially hurtful or something to be avoided. This caused huge obstacles in my life, both personally and professionally.

I spent a great amount of time identifying with and trying to eradicate what I thought was “wrong” instead of discovering the lessons and learning from them.

With the help of professional life coach, we systematically worked through the Fearless Living program, giving me an opportunity to “choose again” by deliberately working to change my perceptions and attitudes and reducing the negativity associated with emotional trauma.

She reminded me continually “where there is lack of trust there is usually fear.” By not trusting others, I did not trust the urge to love that came from within me, and always being hyper vigilant kept my pervasive anxiety alive.

When I learned about my fears and how to face them, my life started changing. I wanted to be loved. Being able to share that love gave me the connection to my power and the ability to love and support others. When I learned that relationships are based on soul, I had the opportunity to gain a sense of meaning through them. Soul showed me a bigger picture by creating deeper connections to the true needs in my life and the lives of others.

I still struggle with some issues; when my buttons get pushed, for example, it takes a bit of time to process and when I realize the other person is…just a person, like me; this allows grace to fill the gaps and love to ignite my heart so it can flow freely once again.

When I finally resolved my internal dilemmas I came to the realization that the treasure is me, it’s you. It’s each one of us. We are the treasure. The treasure that lies at the end of our journey is to be found within ourselves.

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How inseparable life itself is from the voice. Your sexuality, your honesty, your spirituality, your physicality, your health. Everything is intrinsically linked to the voice.                       

                                                                                                                                                                           k.d. lang

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In many ways, finding freedom from emotional dependence required an extreme radical shift in my thinking, to make the changes from identifying with the personality to identifying with the soul. I had to re-evaluate all previous ways of understanding, thinking, acting and being motivated. This brought up a lot of my issues, especially how manipulative I actually was. By resorting to tactics to get my emotional needs met, I saw how hiding my essential nature and being afraid to express my true self kept me emotionally dependent on others.

I discovered that real intimacy is an important aspect of all our relationships.  It exposes the unconscious and teaches us trust. It helps us to recognize needs and it awakens the love within us to respond to those needs. It especially empowers us to meet our own needs. Over time, I came to the realization that whatever I was attached to, I needed to let go so it could be free. And I needed to let go in love so that I could be free. This was definitely the most transformative and painful process on my “journey to wholeness’ I was yet to come to the place in my life where I would learn to love without holding on and to detach;  allowing total freedom to the one’s I loved.

I was coming to the awareness that I was still using others to give me something I felt I was lacking in myself. In reality I did not love them at all. I was holding on because I did not recognize the love in myself.

I was coming to the awareness that I am acceptable and lovable just the way I am. Getting in touch with the love inside me was the most definitive step on my spiritual journey and as time passed, I had this revelation…………… I cannot NOT love.





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